THE JOB HUNTER

Posted on June 2, 2009 - Filed Under The Job Hunter | Leave a Comment

For my previous employer, I coordinated a dove hunt that involved 30 billionaires arriving in their own private jets with hunting rifles and ammunition. In Mexico. In order to complete this unconventional task I had to learn a lot about hunting and bribing.

Shortly after, with no due cause, my job was eliminated.  Since then I’ve been almost not looking for work, preferring instead to write for this (I hate calling it a blog). Occasionally I electronically submit my resume and get summoned for the perfunctory employment agency interview. I am usually told that I have no applicable skills and that my work experience shows I don’t remain at any job for very long, which makes me undesirable. Why bring me in just to tell me how bad they think my resume is and that I will never find employment in this job market? They don’t even have a potential job in mind for me. Why bother calling me at all?

I imagine this makes them feel better about their own miserable lives. Isn’t working for an employment agency a bottom of the barrel choice of vocation? Does anyone actually choose this job? They probably all started there as temps and as they aged and gave up on their dreams they took the full time position offered. They’re all bitter. Did I mention how bitter they all are? I can taste them as soon as I sit in that old stained chair next to their messy miserable desk.

Since I am looking for a new job with certain regularity, I have created a chart of employment agencies I have dealt with in the past, complete with notes like “rude and dismissive” and “mean stupid asshole.” The most important category on the chart is USELESS agencies, yet every time they contact me I give them the benefit of the doubt and go meet with them. Again. Why is it that I have such faith that people might change or things can be different? This process is infuriating.

As the hunted, I am besieged by recruiters that are looking to booby trap me. If they were open to new ideas, they might use my skin to make kayaks and footwear. But I am just a formality; they pursue me, capture me and then release me back into the wild.

As the hunter, I am looking to eliminate vermin and predators. My safari is not recreational. It is a necessary ritual to ensure food supply and supplementary income for rent, bills and crappy healthcare. I am hunting for an employer who is not dangerous to human life, and not so disabled or diseased as to be beyond recovery.

If you are interested in hiring me, please leave a comment below, detailing why you think you would be the ideal employer for me.

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