PASSING A STONE
Posted on June 7, 2009 - Filed Under Human Foibles | 1 Comment
Breaking up. The pain was insufferable. But when I slowed down enough to scrape him off the bottom of my shoe it was like I’d taken a hundred pound dump. I felt fantastic! So much lighter! No more cramp in my gut!
In retrospect, what seemed so grueling was simply inconvenient. I was overwhelmed with choices. Should I stay in the apartment? Should I try to rent the living room as office space to cover half the rent? Should I move to another apartment in Manhattan? Should I move to another country? Should I get an Australian to marry me? Should I re-invent myself? Should I redo my resume? Should I sign up for online dating again? Should I adopt a cat? Should I foster a cat? Should I try to make new friends? Should I socialize more? Should I finish my film? Should I keep working on my website? Should I write a book? Should I get a Tibetan Terrier?
Once I realized that when I’m alone I am very productive, I got excited. But it was hard to get to that point. First I had to get angry. He is a cheap lying cheating selfish childish coward! And he smells bad! He’s had bad breath since the day I met him. And I kept trying to make that go away. Why did I choose to believe him? I ignored every red flag. I made excuses for him. His lies were so flimsy. I was so flimsy. I love the word flimsy. Did I think he was the best I could get? Did I think he was the only thing I could get? Why do I think so little of myself? I must remember not to do this again. I forget. I get weak. I get lonely. I compromise. I hate myself. I lose myself. I forget who I am.
One year later I am writing in this blog and my film is going to festivals. I am working on a book and two screenplays. I have been very productive. I think maybe I’m ready to open my heart again. I think maybe.
Comments
One Response to “PASSING A STONE”
Leave a Reply
© 2009 Wendy Joy Morrissey
© 2009 Marcia Hyman
Boy do I hear you Sister! About a year ago I too extricated myself (finally) from a “relationship” with a true sociopath. For sure, your ex sounds like a real piece of work. But if you can believe it, the loser I’m talking about is (for starters) a needy, whining, shallow, narrow-minded, ignorant, incurious, abrasive, tactless, embittered narcissist with absolutely no qualms about stealing from friends (or anyone else).
And did you say cheap? This one gives new meaning to the term. I think “entitled parasite” is a more apt description. So for all you shameless sugar daddies (or mammas) out there, do I have one for you!
But what’s even more obnoxious (in a comic, ironic sort of way) is here we’re talking about a person obsessed with therapy and self-help, only to be the most emotionally fucked-up individual I think I’ve ever met, including more sexual hang-ups imaginable! A real Freudian nightmare!
So there! Don’t feel bad! It could have been worse. I was with this pathetic lunatic for almost three years. I even tried breaking it off a couple of times, only to be connived, manipulated and begged into getting back together, which out of some misplaced idealism (or sympathy) I did, naïve sucker that I am. Talk about believing lies!
WHATEVER. I like the way you put it. In the overall scheme of things it’s not much more than an inconvenience, if that. You live and you learn, eh? Of course it can’t hurt to vent a little too! So thanks for the forum and inspiring words. Liberation is indeed sweet! And good luck with your creative and relationship endeavors. Because YOU are gonna need it!